I have never been a man of “what if’s”. The past makes me who I am, and I have no regrets for the mistakes I have made thus far. This is the first time in a long while where I feel differently.
This post is sort of a self-therapy session.
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I have a lot of thinking to do.
December 31, 2014 ended with one of those movie moments.
“Honey, we need to talk.”
It was the culmination of two-and-a-half years of struggling and trying to patch things up, while pretending to the world that things were going just all right. Nearly three years of hitting brick walls, finding slight cracks – only to find another wall beyond.
Now, the pretending is almost over, and I’m not sure how I’m supposed to deal with it.
I feel almost paralyzed; frozen in thought for minutes at a time, reliving the last nine years of our lives together. Maybe I should have been more forceful with my arguments over certain life decisions? Maybe I should have conceded on some others? Then again, maybe it wouldn’t have changed a thing.
The biggest regret comes when looking at our son: seeing him jump for joy when I come home; jokingly spilling all of his toys on the floor; scarfing up his last bites of dinner while shouting for the cookies we made together. Knowing that his happy memories will be tainted by this ugly rift brings me to tears.
Sometime in the last couple of years, I saw the movie Blue Valentine. At first, I couldn’t understand what was going on. What do these two stories of these two couples have to do with one another? That was until I realized that they were the same exact couple. A few years changes so much.
When we hit our first rough patch, I sang this song: I Won’t Give Up. And I meant it. That was over two years ago, and I don’t think I can sing it again.
The sad part is that, this is not a unique story. The details may be, but we are now just part of another statistic. And when I see lovebirds on the street or on Facebook, there is a sober part of me that is skeptical. How long will this last? Can I even do this again?
It will be a while until the dust settles; there will be some turbulence for sure. Only one thing is certain. 2015 begins a new journey for both of us. I hope, for the better.