Blaugust Entry, Day 5
I’ve been in an emotional slump this week.
The funny part is, creatively, I’ve been having a great time. I’ve been putting out a lot of feelers out into different creative mediums to test the waters, and I’m finding it very fulfilling. Writing, reading, drawing, and also, playing games because I want to, and not because I feel any social obligation to. My recent morning workout routine has me physically feeling pretty good as well.
I feel like I’m split in two; like there are two “me”s. One is finding fulfillment discovering the self, finding challenges and tackling them; one is empty and has a constant feeling of near-hopelessness. And it’s an emptiness that can’t be filled by my own efforts, because it isn’t mine to fill.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.
– Alfred Tennyson
I find these lines hard to swallow. This may be true if the love was lost under good terms. But to lose it through betrayal and serial deception; to be left much less of a man than when I started; to conceive the ultimate bond between two individuals, and to send him unwillingly through a path of longing and suffering – I find it hard to see the “better”. When good memories are frozen in time through loss, it is one thing; when they are forever tainted by bitterness and regret… it may have been better to never have loved in the first place.
Which is better? Longing to love as half a person, or having loved and being left less of one.
I guess only time will tell.
Onward, to Day 6.
To participate in this month-long blogging challenge, check out the official Blaugust page.