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Day 5: “To have loved and lost”

05 Aug

Blaugust Entry, Day 5

I’ve been in an emotional slump this week.

The funny part is, creatively, I’ve been having a great time. I’ve been putting out a lot of feelers out into different creative mediums to test the waters, and I’m finding it very fulfilling. Writing, reading, drawing, and also, playing games because I want to, and not because I feel any social obligation to. My recent morning workout routine has me physically feeling pretty good as well.

I feel like I’m split in two; like there are two “me”s. One is finding fulfillment discovering the self, finding challenges and tackling them; one is empty and has a constant feeling of near-hopelessness. And it’s an emptiness that can’t be filled by my own efforts, because it isn’t mine to fill.

‘Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

– Alfred Tennyson

I find these lines hard to swallow. This may be true if the love was lost under good terms. But to lose it through betrayal and serial deception; to be left much less of a man than when I started; to conceive the ultimate bond between two individuals, and to send him unwillingly through a path of longing and suffering – I find it hard to see the “better”. When good memories are frozen in time through loss, it is one thing; when they are forever tainted by bitterness and regret… it may have been better to never have loved in the first place.

Which is better? Longing to love as half a person, or having loved and being left less of one.

I guess only time will tell.

Onward, to Day 6.

To participate in this month-long blogging challenge, check out the official Blaugust page.

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3 Comments

Posted by on August 5, 2015 in Life

 

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3 responses to “Day 5: “To have loved and lost”

  1. Syl (@Gypsy_Syl)

    August 5, 2015 at 7:21 am

    A lot of sayings like that are at least half-rubbish. 🙂 My favourite offenders are “time heals everything” or “everything happens for a purpose”. No it doesn’t. But because human beings are pretty awesome at rationalization, we have the capability to draw positive things from the worst experiences (and we’re told that’s what we always should be doing). That doesn’t mean that we couldn’t have done without them in the first place.

    May be that at some point way further down the line, you feel some kind of closure about this relationship. may be that you don’t. Either way, it is okay to feel whatever you are feeling right now. It is okay to feel emotionally drained or hopeless. Just know that you are not alone and that other times are ahead. /hugs

    Liked by 2 people

     
  2. howardhalliday

    August 7, 2015 at 11:50 am

    Don’t sweat that quote. Tennyson was writing an obituary (over a 17 year period) following the death of a close friend, and it’s that loss – he’s thankful for the time they had – that he’s talking about.

    How you feel is how you feel – Tennyson probably never went through what you’re going through. If he had, he’d have written a different poem about it.

    I hope things get better for you.

    Liked by 1 person

     
    • soulboundlife

      August 7, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      I think the quote totally makes sense in that context. Thank you for your kind words.

      Liked by 1 person

       

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